Things I don't understand

There are a lot of things in this world that I don’t understand: terrorism, child abuse, people who honestly believe that global warming is not in any way linked to or caused by the excesses and pollutions of humanity. The list could go on and on but today I feel the need to highlight some of the more mundane daily things that I just can’t quite understand:

-My work pants have 2 buttons and 3 clasp closures on them and I don’t understand why? Does this make them more sophisticated than a normal pair of pants with just a button and a zipper? I mean, they’re pants – it’s not like they’re encasing 2 million in bearer bonds or the technical readouts of the death star – just my ass. Should it take me a full minute to get them undone when I have to take a piss?

-They can build a car that will tell you the outside temperature, the pressure in each of your tires, whether or not your oil is low and give you turn by turn directions to the nearest Baskin Robbins but they all come with the same old boring horns. I for one would like some horn options. Maybe a nice friendly “beep” to tell the gal in front of me that it’s time to stop applying her mascara and actually drive since the light turned green 5 seconds ago. How about a nice blaring “kiss my ass” sound for the jerk that cuts you off. Can I have some options here? How about making the horns customizable like your cell phone ring. That way when some hot guy in a convertible is staring wide eyed at my unbrushed hair and wondering if those are gummy bears or goldfish crackers whizzing past my head from the backseats, I could throw him a little “Don’t Ya wish your girlfriend was hot like me” horn action from my dingy mini van.

-There’s a show on Animal Planet called Groomer Has It. It’s like Project Runway or Design Star – for dog groomers. It’s not that I don’t understand the show, or don’t understand why desperate tv producers are still latching onto the tired yet successful reality show concept to fill the airwaves. What I don’t understand is why I can’t stop watching it. During the last episode I watched a contestant, in an effort to make an Ali- inspired egotistical speech said, “I groomed like a butterfly and ummm groomed like a bee.” On this show a loose tuft of fur on a groomed dog is gasp inducing – I mean it’s ridiculous and has no merit and yet I can’t stop watching it! I fear I’ve been brain washed. I think I may need professional help.


-Have you ever wondered what it would be like to steer a sheep? I haven’t, and yet it appears to me that many people have and in an attempt to experience that sensation, have encased their steering wheels in thick wooly covers. Now to me it seems like somewhat of a safety hazard to place an inch of synthetic fur between your hands and the device that keeps your vehicle under control at speeds of 70 +mph. I’m not one to judge though. Perhaps they’re preparing for one of those rodeo sideshow sheep riding events?