Monday, March 31, 2008

The Good News

I've lost 4 pounds.

The Bad News:

It's only because I've spent the last 2 days either sitting on or reluctantly embracing my toilet.

Yes, just as I was starting to feel better I was hit with one hell of a stomach flu. Thankfully the nausea and the backdoor trots have subsided however I still have some lingering muscle aches and weakness. I had to lather my hair in 2 shifts tonight because I didn't have the strength to keep my arms in the air that long.

The other bad news is that I've only lost 4 pounds. I mean seriously. All I've consumed in the last 2 days is an orange and 2 pieces of toast! Hell 3.5 pounds of that is probably water weight that will go right back on. What's a girl got to do - get Malaria?? This doesn't bode well for my new diet plan, if starvations only nets me 4 measely pounds.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

It was like being on a reality TV show, but without the cash prize at the end.

Every family has their ups and downs – their little spats etc. Matt’s family however likes to confront. They argue, they call people out for their “offensive” comments or actions and then the screaming begins, then the tears and that’s just too much drama for me. I’m not used to it.

I don’t see why they can’t be like my family and just swallow the hatred and the pain along with a few pieces of cherry pie and call it good. Sure our insides might slowly rot from bitterness but at least we never make a scene or talk about things like “emotions”. There are no tears at my family gatherings, no screaming matches. Just avoidance and lightly veiled disgust – and quite frankly that’s the way it should be.

I won’t go into specifics about what went down, but something was said, it was misconstrued, feelings were hurt, tears were shed, accusations were yelled and all in all it just wasn’t pretty. Thankfully neither myself nor my husband were involved in this particular dispute but when it happened it was pure chaos. It was like an episode of Survivor or Big Brother or something. The first order of business was to duck and cover so as not to be pulled in. We then gathered info from the sidelines to determine what the dispute was. Then it was all about strategy. We weren’t about to get kicked off the island – oh no.

We determined that our best strategy was to avoid the two main perpetrators, commiserate with the rest of the island on the topic of the dispute but in general to stay completely neutral so as not to bring attention to ourselves.We watched as alliances were made and broken and I think we did a pretty good job of staying out of the crossfire. We’ve survived this episode and hopefully gained immunity from attending the next tribal council.

Tips for train travel

1. Don’t bring luggage. This is especially true if you’re boarding the train from some Podunk train station that hasn’t been renovated since they put the plumbing in circa 1930, and is manned by one grumpy old lady. From this train station you will not be able to check your luggage and therefore will be forced to carry it all onto the train after trudging several hundred feet along the tracks while simultaneously trying to hold your 1 year old and keep your 4 year old from falling onto the tracks as he lugs his own little “That’s it I’m Going to Grandma’s” suitcase.

2. Dress in layers. You should be able at any point in time to modify your clothing levels from bikini to parka. Temperatures on the train will fluctuate often and without warning.

3. Bring barf bags. It can get quite bumpy and if you’re even the slightest bit prone to motion sickness you will vomit at some point in time. There are bathrooms on board, however there is not enough space between the door and the toilet to comfortably bend over and vomit so you’ll have to leave your ass hanging out the door to properly aim into the bowl.

4. Practice high level yoga before your trip. As described in tip #3 the bathrooms are quite compact (they make a porta-potty seem spacious) so if you’d like the ability to wipe your ass effectively then you’d better limber up before hand.

5. Do not expect to be treated with respect or cordiality. I found that 4 out of 5 Amtrack employees would rather spit in your face than to put forth the effort to be the least bit courteous. The remaining 1 employee who was courteous and friendly was obviously new and had not yet read the employee handbook “Customer dissatisfaction: How to create a degrading and hostile experience for all your passengers.”

Disclaimer: I tend to be a slightly negative person (shocking, I know) so I don’t want this entry to deter anyone from using Amtrack. I found that once the boarding process was over the ride was in general pleasant, and I’m sure the attitudes of the employees can be explained by years of dealing with cranky passengers who constantly complain when the trains are not on time. I might ride the rails again in the future . . . for a short trip perhaps without the kids and/or if I’m heavily sedated.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Travel is fun!

2:57 a.m.
Amtrack train station
Cleveland, Ohio

Gwen has been restless for hours, whimpering in her sleep and tossing her head, causing her little blond curls to bob on the back of her neck. Suddenly she wakes up. Looks at me with bleary eyes and reaches for me with shaking hands. Then it hits me. This kid is going to yak, and I’ve got a very small window of opportunity. I bolt for the bathroom but it’s a good 50 feet away and as I reach the halfway point it comes; a wave of warm putrid vomit that splatters directly on my neck and then trickles down my chest.

She starts crying hysterically and all I can do is say “It’s okay, It’s okay” over and over again as I continue my race to the bathroom. I’m not sure if I was saying it to her or to myself.
That ladies and gentleman is how my Monday started and I spent the rest of the day reeking of vomit and living in constant fear of future vomit. We were traveling by rail and this occurred before we boarded our first train and began our 16 hour journey home.

I have plenty more exciting travel details to share with you but I’m completely exhausted and along with the rest of my little family – sicker than a dog. So right now all I want to do is sleep.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008


When I drove up my driveway this afternoon I realized that my Christmas reindeer are still in the front yard. I think I probably knew this, yet I was able to block it out of my mind or justify it because they were half covered in snow until about a week ago. But now that the snow has melted they're in plain sight, and they've got this confused look on their faces like; "Don't these people know it's the middle of March? This is just damn embarassing. If we could walk ourselves to the garage we would."

I could have probably put them away last night but well, Dancing with the Stars was on! Besides, they go well with the Christmas lights that have been dangling off the gutters since 2006.

Monday, March 17, 2008


Okay, well “hate” is a stong word. Maybe “despise” would be better. I loathe it, I look forward to it like I would look forward to a colonoscopy. Okay, I really do hate it.

The main problem is that I don’t like basketball. That statement is like a dagger through my husband’s heart because he adores basketball. It’s his favorite sport, but I would rather watch championship arm wrestling than to sit through a basketball game. Now I had to analyze my hatred for the game itself first before I could determine the true reasons for my hatred of March Madness in general and I came up with the following reason why I dislike the game itself:

- The shorts are far too baggy. I mean seriously, every other sport has the tightest pants possible – baseball, football – hell even male figure skaters wear tight pants and yet when I’m forced to sit through a bball game all I get for eye candy is what looks like a sheet of mesh wrapped around some guy from waist to calf. What happened to the short shorts of the 70’s? Now that was entertainment. If they had those nowadays I could at least pass the time waiting for an extra ball or two to make an appearance on the court.

- I can see their faces. Now I know that sounds odd but hear me out on this one – and keep in mind that this last fault applies mostly to the NBA rather than College ball. You see basketball players are cocky. They really are and while football and baseball players may be equally cocky, I’m not forced to watch their facial expressions when they score due to the helmets and the hats. See I can’t stand that “Look at me, I’m such a stud, I can do anything, all hail my spectacular greatness” look on their faces after they dunk or whatever. It ticks me off really. It’s the showmanship of the game and that’s what a lot of people find enticing but that I really find distracting. It’s okay to be great. It’s okay to be a superstar, but I guess I can only take so many acts of male egotism. It’s kept to a minimum in other sports but runs rampant in basketball. Besides have you seen the faces of NBA players? No offense but they’re not in general a real attractive group of guys. Being 10 feet tall seems to somehow alter the proportions of their features or something. It’s just no pretty.

And here are the reasons that I don't like March Madness in particular:

- Dick Vitale. Need I say more? Do they just resuscitate this guy every year in March? I mean nobody is that excited. Every time he talks it sounds like he’s just run up 15 flights of stairs to tell you that he won the lottery. Enthusiasm like that is really only meant to last for a few seconds – not for 69 straight years. I’m convinced that if he were left alone with a pack of dogs they would quickly sense that the man was an abomination against nature and the natural rhythm of life and would rip him limb from limb within minutes. Sometimes that’s the only image that gets me through the month. “They’re eating me alive – It’s AWESOME BABY!!!!”

- The Brackets. They’re everywhere. On my kitchen counter, posted up at work, online, on TV, you can’t escape them. The bracket is like a meteorological report. Nobody knows what’s going to happen. Will it rain tomorrow? Will Kentucky beat Kansas? Nobody really knows and yet there are 50 fucking thousand people out there hazarding a guess and I get tired of hearing about it.

- Rushing the court. You know at the end of the game how everyone rushes the court for the big celebration. It’s just a little overdone don’t you think? I mean just a mere decade ago it was unheard of and now they’re doing it at every single game. Pretty soon they’ll be doing it at peewee basketball games. It kind of takes away the significance of it. It’s like being presented with a birthday cake every day of your life.

- I no longer exist. I’d have to say that this is the most annoying part of March Madness. I kid you not people last week as my husband was watching a game – and keep in mind that this was some tournament game BEFORE March Madness actually began, I waved my hands wildly in front of his vacant and blank eyes for a good 5 seconds before he realized that I was standing in front of him and talking to him. When March Madness actually begins I’ll have to light all of my appendages on fire and use one of those air horns to get his attention.

I’m going to close my eyes now and dream of April.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

That's what I hate about pantiliners, they're just so impersonal

Now I don't want to get into any really gross details with you here ladies but I'm a juicer. I mean there's always something leaking down there and while it's not like the Swamp Thing has taken up residence in my vagina, I do feel the need to wear a small pantiliner every day just to avoid having slightly damp panties.

I hope some of you can feel my pain on this one, or perhaps you're right now trying to determine what sort of venereal disease or diseases I may have.

However, the problem with the pantiliner is that well it's just too damn boring. I mean if you're going to wear something everyday shouldn't it express a part of you? Shouldn't it speak to your inner self? And shouldn't it be re-usable in order to make Al Gore proud? I think so and that's why I'm so glad that I found this listing on the Etsy site:

Yes, ladies - you can now make you're very own pantiliners and here's the pattern for sale:

Now you can purchase them premade but to quote the seller, "part of the fun . . . is choosing your own fabric." So you'd be much better off making your own.

I'm hoping to find some fabric wth Ewan McGregor's face on them because that's the closest I'll ever come to fulfilling that fantasy.

Spring Forward

I picked up this cute little bunch of tulips at the grocery store (here they are in their splendor before the cats decided they needed more leafy greens in their diets) to remind me that spring is just around the corner.

The weather has been lovely here lately, but still a little bit chilly. I think Aaron summed it up yesterday afternoon when I told him it was getting late and cool and we'd have to go inside.

"But Momma . . . I miss the world."

"So do I honey, so do I. We'll get to play out in it again soon."

Monday, March 10, 2008

Those damn kids and their new fangled video games

We got a Nintendo DS for Aaron the other day. Did he need it? No of course not, but we thought it might help us salvage some of our sanity on an upcoming 12 hour train ride.

Anyway, the thing is really fucking cool. I mean I grew up in the video game generation. I kicked it old school with Colecovision and then moved my way on up to the Nintendo and the super Nintendo etc. However I thought I had left that far behind. After all, here I am a mother of 2 with a full time job and 20 million different side projects and goals. Why the hell would I want to waste my time on a video game?

Because it's got a touch screen and all these really cool functions to use your stylus with - that's why. So here I am with DS number 2. It was the hubbie's idea and I'm sure he'll end up playing it much more often than I but he let me pick the color, the game carrying case and my first game.

If you don't see any posts for a while it's because Princess Peach and I will be kicking some major ass!

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Fashion tips from Barbie

It's been a fairly hectic week for me and I'm quite frankly a little burnt out at the moment so I'm excusing myself from any heavy posting. However, I didn't want to leave you all hanging so I thought I'd share some fasion tips from the Premier issue of the Barbie magazine for girls - circa 1984. For some reason I found this in pristine condition amidst a box of countless love notes that I never had the guts to send. I never subscribed to this Magazine - but this was one of those free issues they would send out to get you hooked. I'd like to think that I didn't subscribe because I was emotionally mature enough to know that I didn't need a D cup blonde plastic doll with a waist the size of my pinkie telling me about fashion and makeup - but obviously there must have been part of me that longed to be a cheerleader - otherwise I'm not sure why I kept it.

Here's a section on the colors that go best with your hair color. Barbie shares this little tidbit about her favorite color - Pink (what a shocker!), "Pink is my favorite color! It's the color of roses, beautiful clouds at sunset, and pretty hair ribbons. Pink makes me think of strawberry ice cream and party lemonade. Pink is a happy color; warm and cheery! So if you're ever feeling blue, think pink!"

Oh look, I've just thrown up - and guess what color it is!? Pink!

Check this out though ladies and purge your wardrobes of any inappropriate colors for your haircolor. That plastic bimbo knows her fashion!

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Aye Aye Cap'n

Life truly is about taking time to enjoy the little things. Like the beauty of a sunset, the smile of a child, pacifiers, dual screen portable dvd players, shipping the kids off to grandma’s, or an afternoon cocktail during Barney.

But today I want to share with you a little guy that makes me smile every day at bath time.

Isn’t he adorable! He came with his own little boat and this incredibly cute hippo life preserver/float.

He kind of reminds me of Hugh Heffner, except that instead of that parrot and periscope, he'd have a platinum blonde on each arm.