Monday, June 29, 2009

In Memoriam

It's been a tragic couple of weeks. We've seen the loss of two cultural icons: Farah Fawcett, the golden haired beauty, and Michael Jackson, the undisputed King of Pop.

The airwaves have been filled with countless video montage memorials. The nightly news shows have dedicated hours of coverage to these worthy individuals. Sales of Jackson's music have soared, radio stations are playing hour long blocks of his greatest hits. News sites like CNN posted memorial banners at the tops of their home pages. Everyone has been talking about these tragic deaths.

However, another recent tragedy has occurred. Another iconic figure has disappeared off the landscape of our culture. The great Billy Mays died on Sunday and I've been extremely disappointed in the lack of coverage on this tragedy.

Sure there has been some internet coverage. Some TV coverage as well but I feel the poor man has been slighted. Sure he didn't revolutionize the pop music industry, and I'm sure he never looked good in a bikini or feathered hair, but Billy had his own magic and he will be missed. Doesn't he deserve an infomercial montage from Katie Couric? Shouldn't the sales of Oxi Clean be through the roof by now?

So in honor of Billy raise your glasses and then pour them down the front of your shirts! The power of Oxi Clean will take out the stain!

After I clean my bathroom with Kaboom I'm breaking out the orbital sander and using it on my hardwood floors to simulate years of wear and tear. But I know that Orange Glo will renew it to it's former shine in no time.

Farewell Billy.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Okay, now I've go to lose 5 more pounds

In my last post I talked about how my upcoming 15 year high school reunion was going to be the catalyst for my new healthy lifestyle.

Well, it hasn't been going all that great so far. I give you exhibit A. The Monte Cristo:

Now if you've never had a Monte Cristo before, well you should. It's like a ham and cheese sandwich wrapped in a funnel cake - and if that's not enough to turn you on then I think you should probably consult some sort of professional.

My friends and I have been in love with the Bennigan's Monte Cristo for quite a few years, and things were looking pretty black when they announced a few months ago that they were closing half their restaurants. Thankfully though the one in our city remains open for the time being but my friend Carrie and I still harbor some fears that the current economy will rob us forever of the joys of the Monte Cristo and so we made it our mission last night to discover the recipe for the monte cristo and to learn how to prepare it to perfection at home so that we would never have to go without its greasy goodness.

We found a recipe online, purchased our supplies and set to work. We prepared the sandwiches:

We dipped them in the batter and placed them in my ancient fry daddy.

We dowsed with powdered sugar - we were a little more generous than the usual dusting you get at the restaurant. Less is not always more my friends!

And then the moans of satisfaction commenced!

Notice the contented faces, the powdered sugar on the lips and the shirt. Ah, it was a beautiful thing.

And we ate it all!

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to check and make sure my little gazelle workout machine will still hold my weight.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Is 15 Years long enough for them to forget how much of a loser I was?

I got a call today from an old high school classmate. She was calling to verify my address so that she could send me an invitation to the upcoming 15 year class reunion.

What I found most amusing about this is the fact that this will be the first class reunion invitation I've received. It's not as if I've vanished. I simply got married and moved to the city. My parents and even my brother still reside in my hometown and have their phone numbers and addresses listed in the local phone book. However, the coordinator for this year's reunion is the only one that has taken the initiative to actually call my mother and get my information. And that's a perfect illustration of my ranking on my high school's social ladder - an afterthought. Okay, maybe I'm a little bitter. Aren't we all when it comes to high school?

Something unexpected happened though when I recieved this call today. I actually wrote the date down on my calendar. I had known the dates of previous reunions because I keep in touch with an old classmate and she had recieved invitations but I never for a moment entertained the notion of attending, and now here I was marking it on my calendar.

Why? Nostalgia? A sick and twisted yearning to rediscover my awkward social ineptitude?

I can't really say. Maybe because I saw this event as a motivational opportunity. What better way to convince myself to start improving my health and self than the thought of being on display to the homecoming court of '94?

Sure, I'm hoping that the prom queen has gained 200 pounds and lives in a trailer court. Of course I want the guy I had a crush on throughout junior high to wind up drunk and make a complete ass of himself by re-enacting the music video of "Hanging Tough" in only his boxer shorts. But even if she's still gorgeous and he's still Mr. Wonderful it will be fine. I've got nothing to prove. I'm happily married to a wonderful man, I have a good paying job, two wonderful children and a good life.

Yeah, whatever. Now I just have to figure out how to lose 50 pounds and get my tits lifted before June.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Ladies, put on your camo undies and dab some "Doe in Heat" on your wrists!

I don't think any further comment is needed on this one.