Thursday, August 12, 2010

Onion Hands - Look for the Las Vegas show soon!

You know how some people have special gifts like being double jointed or having a pouch that they can carry their young around in – no, sorry, wait – those are marsupials. But anyway, my point is that some people are special. They have gifts that others do not and they use those gifts to further their fortunes or help others.

I’ve recently discovered my own gift. I’ve actually known that I’ve had it for several years but it’s taken me this long to embrace it as a gift. You see my hands absorb and retain the odor of onions for incredibly long periods of time. Now, now, you’re probably saying to yourself: “This woman is an idiot. Everybody’s hands smell like onions after they cut them – who the hell does she think she is?”

Well, do your hands still smell like onions 5 days later? After repeated hand washings and showers? Do they? Well mine do.

Now for years I considered this as somewhat of a curse. However, recently I’ve been watching America’s Got Talent and I’ve determined that based on the level of skill and talent that most of the people on that show possess – I could really be in the running next year.

Just picture it – me on stage with my hands outstretched. I could show a video clip of me cutting onions several days earlier (I’ll hold up a newspaper or some other proof of the date) and then I could show me washing my hands repeatedly. Then when the video is over I stick my hand under Howie Mandell’s face and ask him to “Smell my finger!”

I think it’s brilliant. People will be wowed. They’ll be blown away! I’m not sure how it would translate into a Vegas show(the prize for winning America’s Got Talent) but if Criss Angel can make a whole show out of Gothwear, excessive eyeliner and melodramatic arm movements then I can transform this into something too. Maybe I could do garlic too just to spice things up.

As a side note I’ve recently discovered that I can eliminate the onion odor on my hands by jerking off my kitchen faucet. While that sounds like fun I think I’ll see if this talent show thing works out first.

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