Yearning for something in poor taste?

It's that time of year folks - Tacky Treasure Competition time!

The 2008 category has been chosen and shopping commences on Nov. 1.

Check out our newly redesigned website to learn more about it.

http://www.freewebs.com/tackytreasures/

Birth Control

Whenever I start getting fuzzy feelings about having a third child I try to remind myself of how much joy the 2 children I have right now give me, and how if I had any more joyous moments like the one below, that my head just might spontaneously combust.



And all this because I put food on her plate. Yes, food - ON HER PLATE - and it was unbearable. Lucky you only have to endure about 56 seconds whereas I got the pleasure of a full 7 minutes!

On a side note, I'm not cruel and enjoy watching her scream. I've learned that there is nothing I can do to soothe her. If I hold her she pushes me away, if I try to talk to her she screams louder. However, if I just sit back and wait for it to pass, she jumps up like nothing has happened and the only clues that there was a meltdown at all are the tear stained cheeks and snotty nose.

And her baby brother is going as a soy sauce packet

I realize that when you publish a magazine with home made Halloween costume ideas in it, that after a few years you’re going to be searching for something new and exciting to feature rather than the cliché pig costume made from pink sweatpants.

However, I think this costume featured in the recent edition of Family Fun Magazine is a little odd:

Has your 7 year old ever expressed a desire to dress as raw fish and rice rolled in seaweed? Are all the other kids in the neighborhood saying, “Mom, my princess costume is SOOOO LAME! Chrissie is going as Sushi! You could have at least gotten me a Wonton outfit or even a dumpling costume! I’m going to be the laughing stock of the neighborhood!”

Maybe it’s because I live in the Midwest and sushi isn’t really all that big around here. Maybe I’m just out of touch. Does anyone else think this is weird??

But if you’re dying to make one of your own check out the instructions at the Family Fun website, which truly does have some pretty cool kids crafts and stuff on there and I would also recommend the magazine as well.

Best and Worst List

I love lists – doesn’t everyone? And today in an effort to somehow make a cohesive post out of three completely unrelated musings that have been rattling around in my brain - I bring you my Best and Worst list.

Best place to wear a black nylon leotard, rainbow dress and a care bear backpack:



A comic book convention

Worst place: any other public location


Best business name:


Stinkie fingers bait shop. It’s memorable, it’s appropriate to the business and it’s spelled with an “ie” which makes it that much more charming. Are you going to go to some bait vending machine for quality catfish lure or are you going to head to this place? I know where I’m going!

Worst Business name:


The Royal Flush. I realize this is a Poker themed name which perhaps they thought would go well with a “Lounge” however, it’s seldom a good idea to invoke bathroom related lexicon into the name of your restaurant. Was “the Urinal Cake café" taken?

If they were dead set on a card themed name couldn’t they have gone with "Full House", or "Four of a Kind" or even "UNO!" would have been better. Add to the fact that the steak on the sign somewhat resembles a bowel movement floating in a blue toilet bowl when you drive by at 45 mph and that the building itself is a steel warehouse in the industrial area of town and you’ve got yourself a restaurant that everyone thinks is a plumbing supply store.

Best male fake hair in a movie:

Ben Barnes in Prince Caspian (his hair was too short before filming – these are extensions) - Grrr Baby Grrr.

Worst:


Nicolas Cage in any movie within the last decade. I mean seriously. Let’s take Ghost Rider as an example – they can turn this mans head into a flaming skull and yet all they can muster with his fake hair is this botched Bosley hair restoration look?? Couldn't the hair have been computer generated as well?



However, in the Hollywood Hairdressers defense - this is what his real hair looked like when he was younger so I guess you can only do so much:

Oh the humanity!

I'd like to start out this post by saying that I love my mother.

But . . .

when she showed up with a bag full clothes for the kids that she'd gotten while garage saleing and within its contents was a size 2T shell suit, I started to question her sanity.

You remember shell suits don't you? The fugly fashion of the late 80's and early 90's? If not, then let me refresh your memory. That's not even the worst part. Before I had a chance to burn it, Gwen had grabbed it and was pushing it in my face, desperate to put it on! What was she so attracted to? The hideous color combination? The odd placement of the printed panel? The sweat inducing properties of the synthetic non-breathable fabric?


I don't know, but she loved it. I'm only going to indulge her this one time though. I cannot let her wear it again, and definitely not in public. I'd better get it burned before she finds it again and requests a coordinating fanny pack to go with it.

Confession - the Kit Kat incident

Forgive me Super WalMart, for I have sinned. This is my first confession.

I knew it was wrong, I don't know what came over me but when I saw her there with her face covered in chocolate, I just lost it. I mean she'd been trying my patience ever since we entered the automatic doors. The greeters recoiled in fear when they saw she was untethered. Fellow shoppers did their best to avoid her in the hopes that she wouldn't target their shopping cart, commandeer it and push it directly into the 6 foot display of pantiliners on aisle 6.

She was a force to be reckoned with. She scoffed at the confines of the cart. She spat out the pacifier with her shrieks of anguish. She mopped the floors with a face full of tantrum tears. Other mothers embraced their children lovingly and vowed to be forever grateful that they had such an easy child.

Finally I reached the end of my epic journey - the checkout. I was almost free and clear and while placing the contents of my overflowing cart onto the conveyor belt I glanced down to see her with the Kit Kat - half eaten. I knew what I should have done. I should have laughed in one of my patented "oh how entertaining these little angels can be" laughs, handed the candy to the cashier and asked that they ring it up since my sweetpea had already ingested the majority of the shiny wrapper. But I didn't. I glanced around to make sure no one had seen it and then threw the open candy back on the shelf behind a box of king sized peanut M&M's.

Was it embarrasment, frustration? I don't know. I stand before you in shame and with sincere regret. I'll throw an extra 58 cents at you the next time I'm there. Oh and you might want to rethink that endcap full of light bulbs over in the hardware aisle. Thankfully she was distracted by the air freshener display in automotive.

He draws the line at indecent exposure

Over the years Matt has grown accustomed to my sense of humor and no longer argues with me when I ask him to make a stupid pose with an inanimate object. See the example above. All I had to do was ask him if he loved me and when he replied in the affirmative I told him that I needed him to pretend that inflated T-Rex was about to eat him. I even once convinced him to fondle the breast of a female statue at a mini golf course (I seem to have lost that picture, perhaps he found it and destroyed it).

There are times though where he still refuses me. For example - as he stood in front of this replica moon in the Kansas cosmosphere he repeatedly declined to grace me with the image of 2 moons. I mean come on - it would have been hilarious and the surveilance camera wasn't even pointed anywhere near it.