Why she’s on the short list of people I’d give a kidney to

A recent email conversation between me and my friend Shawna:

From: amy
Sent: Thursday, November 20, 2008 12:49 PM
To: Shawna
Subject: Had enough

Have you ever used a nasal spray? I don’t generally like squirting stuff up my nasal passages but at this point I’d just really like to breathe. Was wondering if you had any recommendations.
I’ve been trying to look online and I’m finding all this stuff about how I could possibly become addicted to them. So if you catch me selling myself on the street to score another bottle of Afrin – be prepared for an intervention.
At this point, it’s worth the risk.

From: Shawna
Sent: Thursday, November 20, 2008 1:40 PM
To: amy
Subject: RE: Had enough

I can’t do that stuff either not sure why. I hear it works.

Don’t worry about the addict thing it runs in the family and I am an old pro with interventions. I’ll tell you what I will wait till you get addicted to crack and become your ideal size and then will kick you off the drugs. I mean there might as well be a pay out to addiction if you ask me. Then you will hate your self for being weak and becoming an addict but you will look great naked.

Now this is a gal with my best interests at heart!

Down with DYFEA? Join the Campaign!

You’ve just reached the checkout at the store and the gal behind the conveyor belt has already mindlessly slid 10 items past the scanner and then she turns to you and says, “Did you find everything alright?”

I hate that question.

I’M AT THE CHECKOUT! Which means that if I hadn’t found what I was looking for then I would have left – without buying anything! Or if I had more than one thing to purchase then I would have already enquired about the item I couldn’t locate to some stock boy or other employee or resigned myself to the fact that they don’t carry that product.

Maybe if they asked BEFORE they started ringing me up, then I’d believe it was more of a genuine question/concern. What are they going to do if I say; “No, I couldn’t find the right brand of heavy flow tampons.” Are they going to stop ringing me up and guide me back to the aisle and help me search, despite the lineup of 8 customers behind me? Are they going to send out a stock boy to find them? Do they write it down and have a meeting after closing to discuss how they can better organize the tampon section?

I don’t think so!

Now I realize that it’s one of those questions that’s not really a question. It’s really just a social nicety – a greeting – like when someone at the office says, “Hi. How are you?” They don’t really care. They don’t want you to launch into an itemized listing of what’s going wrong or right in your life. They just want you to say “good” so they can move along and get their coffee. I get that. But it still irritates me to no end. And I’m writing about it in the hopes that the shoddy logic of it will irritate you as well and perhaps together, we can bring about some change in this world and make that idiotic phrase obsolete in the retail environment.

Who’s with me??

I’m thinking of having some buttons made up.

Yearning for something in poor taste?

It's that time of year folks - Tacky Treasure Competition time!

The 2008 category has been chosen and shopping commences on Nov. 1.

Check out our newly redesigned website to learn more about it.

http://www.freewebs.com/tackytreasures/

Birth Control

Whenever I start getting fuzzy feelings about having a third child I try to remind myself of how much joy the 2 children I have right now give me, and how if I had any more joyous moments like the one below, that my head just might spontaneously combust.



And all this because I put food on her plate. Yes, food - ON HER PLATE - and it was unbearable. Lucky you only have to endure about 56 seconds whereas I got the pleasure of a full 7 minutes!

On a side note, I'm not cruel and enjoy watching her scream. I've learned that there is nothing I can do to soothe her. If I hold her she pushes me away, if I try to talk to her she screams louder. However, if I just sit back and wait for it to pass, she jumps up like nothing has happened and the only clues that there was a meltdown at all are the tear stained cheeks and snotty nose.

And her baby brother is going as a soy sauce packet

I realize that when you publish a magazine with home made Halloween costume ideas in it, that after a few years you’re going to be searching for something new and exciting to feature rather than the cliché pig costume made from pink sweatpants.

However, I think this costume featured in the recent edition of Family Fun Magazine is a little odd:

Has your 7 year old ever expressed a desire to dress as raw fish and rice rolled in seaweed? Are all the other kids in the neighborhood saying, “Mom, my princess costume is SOOOO LAME! Chrissie is going as Sushi! You could have at least gotten me a Wonton outfit or even a dumpling costume! I’m going to be the laughing stock of the neighborhood!”

Maybe it’s because I live in the Midwest and sushi isn’t really all that big around here. Maybe I’m just out of touch. Does anyone else think this is weird??

But if you’re dying to make one of your own check out the instructions at the Family Fun website, which truly does have some pretty cool kids crafts and stuff on there and I would also recommend the magazine as well.

Best and Worst List

I love lists – doesn’t everyone? And today in an effort to somehow make a cohesive post out of three completely unrelated musings that have been rattling around in my brain - I bring you my Best and Worst list.

Best place to wear a black nylon leotard, rainbow dress and a care bear backpack:



A comic book convention

Worst place: any other public location


Best business name:


Stinkie fingers bait shop. It’s memorable, it’s appropriate to the business and it’s spelled with an “ie” which makes it that much more charming. Are you going to go to some bait vending machine for quality catfish lure or are you going to head to this place? I know where I’m going!

Worst Business name:


The Royal Flush. I realize this is a Poker themed name which perhaps they thought would go well with a “Lounge” however, it’s seldom a good idea to invoke bathroom related lexicon into the name of your restaurant. Was “the Urinal Cake café" taken?

If they were dead set on a card themed name couldn’t they have gone with "Full House", or "Four of a Kind" or even "UNO!" would have been better. Add to the fact that the steak on the sign somewhat resembles a bowel movement floating in a blue toilet bowl when you drive by at 45 mph and that the building itself is a steel warehouse in the industrial area of town and you’ve got yourself a restaurant that everyone thinks is a plumbing supply store.

Best male fake hair in a movie:

Ben Barnes in Prince Caspian (his hair was too short before filming – these are extensions) - Grrr Baby Grrr.

Worst:


Nicolas Cage in any movie within the last decade. I mean seriously. Let’s take Ghost Rider as an example – they can turn this mans head into a flaming skull and yet all they can muster with his fake hair is this botched Bosley hair restoration look?? Couldn't the hair have been computer generated as well?



However, in the Hollywood Hairdressers defense - this is what his real hair looked like when he was younger so I guess you can only do so much:

Oh the humanity!

I'd like to start out this post by saying that I love my mother.

But . . .

when she showed up with a bag full clothes for the kids that she'd gotten while garage saleing and within its contents was a size 2T shell suit, I started to question her sanity.

You remember shell suits don't you? The fugly fashion of the late 80's and early 90's? If not, then let me refresh your memory. That's not even the worst part. Before I had a chance to burn it, Gwen had grabbed it and was pushing it in my face, desperate to put it on! What was she so attracted to? The hideous color combination? The odd placement of the printed panel? The sweat inducing properties of the synthetic non-breathable fabric?


I don't know, but she loved it. I'm only going to indulge her this one time though. I cannot let her wear it again, and definitely not in public. I'd better get it burned before she finds it again and requests a coordinating fanny pack to go with it.