Friday, September 14, 2007

My first molar centerfold

I appreciate it when my doctors are thorough - dentists included. However, after dental X-ray number 12 it was getting a little ridiculous. That hygienist was clicking that X-ray button so many times it was like she was a professional photographer at a fashion shoot:

"Come on, show me 'angry molar', good, good, now give me 'sexy incisor' yes, work it, work it. How about a 'come-hither bicuspid', excellent! Keep it going, stay in the moment, how about a pouty face, yes very sexy, you're paying out the ass for this, now show me anger, show me emotion!"

I've never had that many X-rays in my life. I felt like I was glowing after I got out of there. I probably would have registred on a Geiger counter. Then the doc comes in and does an "oral cancer screen' which involved him pretty much touching every square inch of my mouth. He was feeling my salivary glands, running his finger over my gums and the sides of my cheeks. This guy probes an orifice in more detail than my gynecologist!

He then proceeds to tell me that he can tell by the slight enlargement of my salivary glands and the slight inflammation of my tongue that I likely either have a cold or slight allergy which has been causing me to sleep with my mouth open, which I do know to be true because I woke up with drool on my pillow all last week. It was fantastic! It was like CSI Dentist (well except for the fact that I was alive). I kept waiting for him to recite every food item I've eaten in the last month, and then say how he can tell that I use my teeth to pry that stubborn paper cap off the top of a new milk jug.

I didn't have a cavity to speak of and of course it ticked Matt off. You know I can't help it that I've got fabulous teeth and have never had a cavity in my life. I only brush once a day and we've already established the fact that I don't floss, and yet I've got Herculean teeth. I'm pretty proud of it actually but he really shouldn't be that jealous. I mean wouldn't some other genetic trait be better - like a metabolism so swift that it would allow me to eat an entire box of Twinkies and drop a pound afterward.


carebear said...

Bicuspid? What the hell is that? You can't be one knows the 'official' names of their teeth. I suspect a little Google action in this case...?
Also, Shawna said you'd hate it if I ever pointed out a misspelling, so of course I have to. Check your last paragraph, fourth sentence.

Amy said...

Please! I didn't have to google the names of my teeth - and you try to blog while a screaming 9 month old is climbing up your leg and see how accurate your typing is!