Not that I've smelled a lot of bee butts

I bought a “lotion bar” at a little mall craft show this weekend. It looks like a bar of soap but it’s a lotion. It’s made from honey or bees wax or something and it lasts all day. They had a scented version which was lovely but slightly overpowering and I’m just not one for scented stuff so I got the unscented.

Unfortunately I didn’t really smell it before I purchased it (the whole term “unscented” kind of led me to believe it didn’t have a scent – silly me) and well – it’s hard to place but if I had to guess I’d say it smells like a bee’s ass – and now it’s smothered all over my hands. But other than that it's fabulous!

No lotion or tissues required

As you may or may not know from previous posts, I breastfeed my baby, and since I also work full time, I pump during the day. With tits like mine you would think that the bottle would runneth over, but alas it does not. I’ve been battling poor production for months now and just yesterday my pump gave out. So now I’m seriously contemplating throwing in the proverbial burp towel. After all, the kid is almost 8 months and is eating more baby food and other solid foods, and I’m quite frankly tired of my chest being an all you can eat buffet.

However, it’s not wise to just quit altogether, it needs to be done gradually and my hubbie is going to try and fix the pump so that I might continue on if I want. So last night I thought I should get out the manual pump that came with my fancy electronic one and get accustomed to it so I could use it at work today.

I hooked all the parts together, and since you must have full skin contact to test the suction, I stuck it on my belly and started pumping. Here’s what the pump looks like:

Now to get it to work you move the plunger that’s on the end in and out, in and out, in and out – you get the point. It worked fine, I was ready to put it back in its bag, but of course Aaron was witnessing all this and wanted to give it a try. So here’s my 3 year old with a breast pump on his tummy and giggling uncontrollably as his belly button is sucked in and out. I couldn’t get that thing away from him, and finally just let him play with it for about 20 minutes.

So I tried using it today at work and got less than an ounce of milk. I don’t know if it’s because my mindset is already focused on the fact that I’m quitting, or if it was the nagging sensation that I was literally jerking off - my boob.

On the bright side, when Aaron gets older and asks what masturbation is, I can say “remember that pump you had so much fun with when you were 3 years old, well . . . “

Quote of the Week

You'll notice that on the right side of this screen I've decided to replace my lovely pic of Ewan with a generic photo of my best feature - no, my eyes - if it was my tits, they would have taken up the entire screen!

I thought it showed poor taste having a picture of another man on my blog when I'm happily married. Okay, no not really but it sounds good huh? Anyway, I thought it might be more fun to put a little something there I can change more often so for now I'm doing quote of the week.

I'm going to try and find a new funny quote each week to brighten your days. Enjoy.

Do they still make chastity belts?

I attended a baby shower this weekend for my 16 year old cousin. Yes, add another checkmark under the teen pregnancy tally will you. Now I like to be supportive, I mean what are you going to do – it happens, it shouldn’t but it does and I respect her choice to keep it.

However, I found it kind of difficult figuring out what to put on the card. It was blank inside as I made it myself (I’m a crafty gal) and Matt and I debated for quite some time what to write inside. “Congratulations” or “We’re so happy for you” just didn’t seem sincere. I suggested “Congratulations on becoming an unwed teen mother!” he suggested putting a condom inside and saying “use this next time”. I called Shawna and asked her opinion. She suggested a diaphragm or “Good luck”. Maybe some Planned Parenthood brochures would have been a good choice as well. Ultimately I decided to just sign our names.

The shower itself was more reminiscent of a birthday/slumber party than a baby shower. Imagine 15-20 teenage girls (along with a handful of older relatives) in a room with pizza and gifts. This girl has no idea what she’s getting into. All in all I felt a lot of pity. I felt sorry for my cousin because she won’t get to be a girl much longer. She’s so young. There’ll be no more lying around watching soaps on a summer afternoon, no carefree dates, no spur of the moment road trips to the local convenient store unless maybe she runs out of diapers. No spending her cash from her part time job on candy, CD’s and nail polish. No more living life without worrying about someone else.

I also felt sorry for her mother. There she was, thinking she was almost done raising her child and would soon have an empty nest and more time to enjoy an adult life without kids, and now she’ll be sidled with raising two, her own and her grandchild.

I felt sorry for the baby because it would probably benefit more from a more mature mother, and a loving father. I haven’t asked outright but I’m under the impression that the owner of the sperm that spawned this child is no longer in the picture.

Then I snapped myself out of it and realized that she is a good kid, except for that small matter of getting herself knocked up at 16, and she has a fabulous support system around her. There’s going to be a new member of the family, a new member of the world and I can’t help but be excited about that. She won’t love that kid any less than a 28 year old married mother would. Sure, things might be a little rough, but life is rough. I felt a lot better after that change of heart and mind and I was able to focus on other things, like how to ensure that my daughter will never, ever have interaction with any sperm infested boy/man until she’s at least 25.

An Expensive Change of Scenery

A couple weekends ago we took an extended weekend “vacation” in Minneapolis and I just now have gathered all my photos and thoughts to write about it. We took the kids so I don’t know that you can really call it a vacation – it was more like a really expensive change of scenery. We went to the Como Zoo and Conservatory on Saturday, IKEA and the Mall of America on Sunday and then hit the Minneapolis Zoo on Monday before we headed back home. I won’t bore you with the detailed account; rather I’ll just give you the highlights.

-Our very best friend Shawna came along with us. She thinks it’s because we love her but in all actuality it’s because she’s great with the kids and takes fabulous photos. It was like bringing along a nanny and a professional photographer!

-This was our first trip with “Big Boy Potty Trained Aaron” so we saw a lot of bathrooms and got to witness his first potty dance and public grabbing of his crotch while he squealed “I gotta PEE Momma!”. Oh and as an aside, I like the Amish people (they make wonderful pies) and they’re very nice, but after having to weave through a group of 20 of them while heading to the bathroom with Aaron, I really think they should reconsider that whole “no deodorant” thing, because it’s just not pretty.

-Muscle relaxers and me are not really a good mix, at least if I want to function. My back was spasming pretty good on Sat. so Shawna gave me one of her muscle relaxers on Sun. I was like the walking dead. I picked up something off a shelf in IKEA and I turn to Shawna, my hand shaking uncontrollably like an 80 year old with tremors and said “is this normal?” It also made my C-section scar tingle, which was fun. On the bright side, my back felt fabulous! (I did not operate any heavy machinery so don’t be alarmed) However, my judgment seemed to be slightly impaired as when I got home I noticed that several items I bought at IKEA turned out to be completely different than what I thought I had purchased.

-Always follow the arrows!! When we were at IKEA I noticed that people were really quite rude. They were giving us dirty looks when we were trying to maneuver our cart around the store and it was really starting to piss me off, and I was thinking that Minnesotans in general were asses and then Shawna discovered that we weren’t following the arrows. “What arrows?” I asked and then she pointed at this huge, spotlighted arrow on the floor of the store. For some reason (probably the drugs) I had not noticed the whole arrow phenomenon and the fact that they were all over the store to direct the flow of traffic.

-Take a big blob of jello and cover it with plastic wrap, throw it in the water and that’s what a sting ray feels like. They’re very sweet though, for a fish. We got to pet them at the aquarium underneath the Mall of America – was it worth the $16.50 per person? I’m still trying to figure that out.

-My husband CANNOT resist the lure of one of those carnival basketball games. The man’s got skills, you can’t deny it, but did we really need that batman mini basketball to add to Aaron’s collection of 10 other mini basketballs and toys he’s won at those things?

-Things learned at the zoo: a very large number of animals are either extinct or soon to become extinct and it’s all our fault (the guilt is included in the price of admission), Aaron is surrounded by exotic animals and yet is more fascinated with a drain,
food and beverage must, by federal law, at least double or possibly triple in price once they enter the zoo grounds, and my ass is larger than the backside of a bison – and a very big thank you to Shawna for photographing it and making me aware of that fact.

All in all it was a nice trip and we had a pretty good time. I’ll be starting my diet soon and may journal a little bit about it here on this blog. I think I’ll entitle it: “Bison Ass: andthe quest to become Shetland Pony Ass”.

Can't help it

Now generally I'm a modest person. I'm not one to boast, I don't go around thinking that I and everything I do is wonderful. However, I'd just like to state that I have produced, from my womb, the most adorable kid on the face of the earth, as evidenced above. If she didn't have my terrible extra large ears her cuteness could outshine the fabled beauty of Helen of Troy! But I'm not one to boast.

Vole, Shrew or Mutant?

Shawna and I have gotten some varying opinions on the possible genus and species of the unidentified mammal. Mutant, alien possessed mouse aside, the most prevailing answers seem to be a shrew or a vole.

I think I’m going to go with the shrew. I did a little research and it seems to be the most likely with the elongated snout and short tail. See picture below.

To me a vole looks just like a field mouse.

Now we could find out for sure by having Shawna count the toes, as the Shrew has 5 clawed toes (being a member of the mole family- thanks Wikipedia) and the Vole only has 4 (I feel so educated now, like the Steve Irwin of small rodent-like mammals - Crickey!), however the body has disappeared. I think another animal must have carried it away since she left the carcass on the deck, but she thinks it’s unlikely since it was wrapped in paper towels which are complete and undisturbed. Perhaps there is something to that mutant, alien possessed mouse theory after all.