Friday, May 18, 2007

Baby got front

I find that I think about boobs a lot. Am I some sick pervert with lesbian tendencies, you may ask? No, it’s just that 1. my boobs are huge, and 2. I’m breastfeeding, so whipping them out 5-6 times a day tends to keep them on your mind.

As far as I recall, I’ve always been large in that area. I think I went from a training bra straight into a C cup during puberty and shortly before the birth of my 2nd child I was encapsulating my mammaries with a size DD or E. I currently wear an F or G since they’re larger due to milk production. I’ve been told by “bra professionals” that size E is the same as DD, and therefore EE is the same as F, why? I don’t know, nor do I know how that translates when I see a DDD cup size – is that an E and 1/2 ? I’ve never seen anything larger than a J cup – probably because the weight of anything larger would surely crush a woman’s chest cavity, squashing her lungs and other vital internal organs . . . but I digress.

The real purpose of this blog entry is to share with you the lists I’ve compiled of the pros and cons of having large breasts. Sure everyone thinks it’s great to have big boobs. Women with small tits always want bigger ones, but let me just tell you, more than once a week I wish mine would shrivel down to a B cup.

Pitfalls of the well endowed:

- The guy with the melon stand at the fruit market always gives you a suspicious look when you walk by as if you’re smuggling his prized produce under your shirt.

- Your bras have to be special ordered from a factory in India that originally specialized in elephant harnesses

- After you put your shirt on, it’s 5-6 inches shorter in the front than it is in the back.

- When you lie on your back without a bra your armpits are full.

- It takes your husband 5 minutes to unhook your bra – hey this isn’t a two hook affair here – we’re talking at least 4 and possibly more and there’s a lot of pressure there too. He could lose an eye or a hand when that thing finally comes unclasped. My husband has to put on safety glasses and has been trained to jump back a good distance when that last clasp is released.

- Within 2 hours of putting your bra on the back of it has slid up between your shoulder blades and your nipples are dangerously close to the equator.

But it’s not all bad. Here are the good things:

- Your purse never falls off your shoulder because you have a permanent indent from your bra strap that holds your purse strap in place too.

- You’re at a party and there’s no end table to set down your plate of hor d oeuvres? No problem, use your chest. You might have to lean back a little so that the plate doesn’t slide off, but other than that it’s awesome. No more dropped crumbs; you could even eat hands free if you really wanted to.

- Built in pocket. I’ve stored/carried everything from baby pacifiers to keys to Kleenexes to pens to checkbooks in my cleavage. I think when I’m older and the kids are all grown I’ll get a little Chihuahua and carry it around in there.

- You can tell that it’s raining without stepping fully out the door.

- Nobody makes you run because they’re afraid you’ll give yourself a black eye.

- They make excellent hand warmers. Just stick your frigid fingers underneath them and you’re warm again in no time. If I could harness the heat that these things put off I could heat my home for free!

1 comment:

schroan said...

You crack me up! I have tears in my eyes. Being slightly large I understand completely. I've often wished mine would disappear.

You now have 3 people who will read your blog. Make that 4. My fried who told me about it will also keep reading.

I love your picture of Ewan. I think he's the best and love everything he's in. And he's totall my ideal husband.