Goody two shoes

Someone brought up the subjects of deep dark secrets the other day and how she and her husband were confessing theirs to each other, and to other very close friends and it got me thinking about how I don’t have any deep dark secrets. Not a one!

The closest thing I’ve got is when I kind of sort of stole a coat. I didn’t even steal it, it was in the lost and found and I just kind of claimed it. Okay so it wasn’t actually in a lost and found per se, but I watched it carefully for weeks as it sat on that coat hook at the gym and determined that with the varying hours I arrived and the varying people that were at the gym each time I came that it was obviously left there by someone who had no idea they had left it and would not be coming back to claim it, and I can’t really help that I always wanted a wool peacoat and that it was in my size, now can I? The irony is that I quit that gym shortly thereafter (partly due to laziness and maybe partly due to guilt) and am now fatter and can’t fit in it anymore. Ah Kharma, you cruel bitch!

Sure there are things I’ve done and said that I would regret if they were all laid out before me at the gates of heaven or whatever. But there’s no DEEP DARK SECRET. No gasp-inducing regrettable deed and instead of counting my blessings that I didn’t do something incredibly stupid in my youth, I pretty much feel like a loser. Shouldn’t I have some wild and crazy stuff to look back on and regret? I’m not saying that I wished I’d killed someone and put their body through a wood chipper or anything but why couldn’t I have slept with my best friends boyfriend or done something stupid involving stolen sheep and the high school gym (hey I grew up in a small town, what do you expect?)

The only thing that gives me hope is that I still have a lot of life in front of me to commit that horrible deed and earn that Deep Dark Secret. I just hope it’s something juicy. But not too juicy because I don’t want to cheat on my husband or end up in jail or embarrass my kids. Okay, so I’ll settle for a Shallow Dimly Lit Secret.