I guess I really do have a secret desire to wear a diaper made out of toilet paper and suck mamosas out of a baby bottle.

A Baby Shower Open House. It seemed almost genius when I received the invitation. I could show up any time between 10 and 2 express my congrats, grab some punch and cake and be on my way. There would be no walking around in toilet paper diapers, no searching for safety pins in a bowl of rice, no memorization of 30 baby items on a platter – it would be pure bliss!

It started out well enough. I was greeted warmly upon arrival by the Guest of Honor. Pleasantries were exchanged, she was genuinely happy I had taken the time and effort to come. I was offered one of the 2 remaining sugar cookies and a glass of luke-warm punch.

However, when I set my gift on the table her mother pounced on it immediately and unceremoniously pawed through the tissue paper in my gift bag to see what I had brought (an underarm thermometer and Diaper Genie II refill – pathetic I know but they were on her registry and she’s only my cousin by marriage). Obviously unimpressed, she then made a show of calling for someone to help her carry some of the "larger" gifts out to the truck. It became a little awkward at that point and I ended up taking my leave without even having to take off my coat.

So in the end it left a bad taste in my mouth and I now refer to it as the Drive Thru Baby Shower. I only wish it had made use of an actual drive thru because it was colder than hell that day and I would have appreciated staying in the car. It’s odd though that I would be offended. After all, wasn’t I celebrating the fact that I could simply show up, drop off my gift and go? Wasn’t I thrilled about the convenience of it all? Deep down was I really longing to guess the circumference of that woman’s belly with a piece of string and earn a free scented candle???

Any type of shower is simply a thinly veiled ploy for gifts. That’s the point really and while I thought I despised the smoke and mirrors (games/activites) that are always employed to make you think it’s an actual celebration rather than a request for free stuff, I’m beginning to see now that people need to shove a balloon up their shirt and try to tie their shoes in the fastest time. Otherwise we just don’t feel that the thought behind that underarm thermometer was truly appreciated.