When your kids are first born, you spend hours and hours in utter awe at the mesmerizing blend of you and your spouse in this perfect little bundle of joy. Then a few short months/years later you start thinking that maybe you should write them a letter of apology for sticking them with certain traits. But then again, on the plus side, you can pass down the knowledge of how to cope with such genetic flaws.
Let me first stress that your Father and I think that you’re the most handsome young man on the planet. However, being human means possessing certain physical flaws and unfortunately most of yours were passed down through me.
- The cowlick. Don’t ever go for a buzz cut. Trust me, I tried this on you once when you were younger and you’ve got that same swirly cowlick right at the hairline that I have and it’s just not pretty. Thankfully, being a boy you won’t have the terrible bang issues I had as an adolescent, but any career in the military should strictly be avoided.
- The half smile. You have a wonderful smile! However, you should master the skill of the half smile for picture situations, because if you smile fully your eyes will disappear completely just like Momma’s and all that will be visible is teeth, gums and two slits.
- The hairy back. I can’t take full blame for this one personally but it does come from my mother’s side of the family. Let’s just hope that your body hair works like mine and lightens considerably with exposure to the sun so that it’s less noticeable. Otherwise, I’ll be happy to perform some form of hair removal on you whenever you request it.
My dearest Gwen,
We couldn’t have hoped for a more beautiful daughter, especially considering the family traits working against you and I deeply regret that you inherited:
- My ears. They’re just a tad large and as you age the ear lobe will become even more bulbous and will upturn slightly so that they resemble two large upholstered buttons flopping around on the side of your head. The only way to combat this is to weigh them down with extremely heavy dangle earrings or to cover them with your hair. This will backfire a little if, like me, you also inherit the habit of constantly tucking your hair behind your ears – and why wouldn’t you since they’re so large and enormously capable of such a task.
- My very pale complexion. Several times when you were younger people enquired about the bruises near your temples, only to discover that they weren’t bruises at all but merely the fact that your skin was so thin and pale that the veins were easily viewed through it. Don’t ever plan on getting a tan, unless you consider being covered with 3 million freckles a "tan". I’m hoping that by the time you’re old enough to care – that "pale" will be the new look.
- Your father’s feet. Count out any future plans to model sandal-wear because unfortunately you’ve inherited your father’s toes and while they are certainly not grotesque in any way shape or form, they’re not exactly dainty either. In the future you should go for a peep toe shoe rather than a full open toed option.
All my love, Momma
Now you may notice that most of these traits are mine, and that makes sense since I’m the most conscious about myself, but mostly it’s because Matt’s traits are things that won’t manifest for a little bit longer – like those ghastly chicken legs he had when we first started dating (thankfully they filled out once I fattened him up), his receding hairline or his penchant for gnawing on his fingernails until he bleeds.
And yet despite it all, we’ve made two of the cutest kids I’ve ever seen: